sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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