I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
