Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
