In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
