Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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