oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
