Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
