I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.