the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich