just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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