Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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