I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
