I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize