Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Found your dick twin last night
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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