i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
