the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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