i need an iv and a liver transplant
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
