Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
