If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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