dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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