Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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