Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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