We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
