how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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