how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
