I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
