Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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