Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
