My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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