operation harelip BJ is a go
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
