Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
