"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
