my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
