FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
