If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize