When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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