I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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