my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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