I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
