If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
