Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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