omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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