My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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