she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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