I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
