i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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