I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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