I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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