I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
