I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
