I will die if light touches me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
