If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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