I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
dude. I can hear the air.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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