I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
